The Most Profound Year
You might not think homelessness can lead to so much growth but it has for me
I’ve had many profound moments since becoming homeless this year.
The man that said, ‘oh love you’ve got so much more than we have.’ - at the time I was living in a tent in a public park.
Those of you that found generosity to give to me, when you may have had little.
Standing my ground through variations of abuse / potential rape when homeless.
Gratitude for my homeless journey.
The rat in my tent.
Times I saw light when others saw only darkness.
The DNOTS moment with a desire to travel yet have the stability.
Breaking down my fear of heights by hiking up and along hills and cliffs.
That first night sleeping under a tree.
Recognising my own self love acts are changing.
How my astrology chart has helped me understand myself on a deeper level.
Seeing truth where others believed lies.
Deepening my trust in self.
Starting to walk the coastal path.
The most recent happened yesterday where I discovered that I no longer needed to m*sturbate, it held nothing for me anymore, I crave intimacy with another (not s*x) but true intimacy of connection. You know the kind, where a person gives another a look and they know exactly what it means, a joke between a couple that no-one else gets, a touch that means ‘I’m here for you,’ not ‘what can you do for me I want you to do this for me tonight,’ a reciprocation of honesty, love and truth. A no holds barred relationship that no-one outside the couple will ever truly understand, because they’re not in it. That kind of intimacy.
The things I’ve seen and experienced this year have led me here, to this truth, to my self love truth, to my deeper self. To realising how the potential rape connected to my s*xual desire on a past life and traumatic level and the healing that has come from this has led to a significant change in who I am. To the rat in a tent where I realised I was made of incredibly stronger stuff than I ever gave myself credit for. The gratitude for my homelessness and how it changed me on a fundamental level.
My natal chart has taught me so much about myself and one of the most profound has been with intimacy. My Moon opposes Venus. I follow Venus’s movements daily to be honest now. She is within me and of me. Not many people know this, but Hera is also connected to Venus, she shares the planet with Aphrodite. So when Venus transits, opposes, conjuncts, I know about it. I discovered the other day how to get and read my own Solar Return chart. I pulled it up, checked out a few place,nets. Then Venus, as on the day of my birth I discovered she was yet again opposing the moon. I was going through this cognitive dissonance because she was yet again facing the moon.
It suddenly clicked, I was craving intimacy, in that moment, but the closest thing to it I had in that moment was m*sturbation, but I crave intimacy, I can struggle in relationships, not see flaws, etc, but ultimately what I want is intimacy. Remembering that two things can be true at the same time and I can suffer with cognitive dissonance I was like, m*sturbation is perfectly natural so why am I struggling so much with shame, fear, worry etc. Then I realised. I am self loving and I’ve been giving to myself in so many ways for a few years now December has been for me the month to triple down and settle this once and for all. So why was I battling with myself? Because m*sturbation is no longer self loving for me. Because I have surpassed it’s purpose, it doesn’t hold for me, the intimacy I actually crave, so it’s of no use whatsoever. I connect with myself so much that this particular act is no longer part of the self love team. I felt empty and cold after the last bout. I cannot find joy in something that I now see as shallow. So I won’t be doing that again. I find joy in so many other things it’s no longer on the playing field.
But benched.
Indefinitely.
I love you 💜